Unrealistic Expectations

So I don't know if any of you who waste your time reading this blog are familiar with the "Twilight" series by Stephenie Meyers, but chances are if you are female, like a trashy book, and have some time on your hands, you have. For those of you who haven't read the books, here is the Cole's Notes version:

Bella is the whiny bitch protagonist of the books. By some stroke of luck she ends up dating Edward, a guy who just so happens to be a vampire. Bella continues being a whiny clingy bitch throughout the three books that have been released, and Edward puts up with it. Drama ensues, and Stephenie Meyers is a tease when it comes to anything down and dirty ever happening between the two characters. The sexual tension is so thick that you could cut it with a knife, but somehow the two randy teenagers remain chaste. If you toss in a couple poorly written action scenes, you basically have saved yourself from reading 1200 or so pages of drivel. 

Now don't get me wrong, I have read all three of these books, and probably will read the fourth one when it comes out in August. What really is more nauseating than any forced tripe that this woman could come up with is the fact that no matter who you talk to, females simply idolize the character of Edward. It doesn't matter if they are still wearing a bloody training bra, or are married with kids, everyone wants to jump this fictitious guy's bones. 

I am not part of this unexplainable phenomenon. In fact, I almost find Edward as spineless and irritating as Bella. Perhaps just to provide some context to my frustration, here are some characteristics that women believe that the general male populous should share with our blood sucking friend: 

1. Be inhumanly attractive

2. Be incredibly wealthy

3. Be too much of a gentleman

4. Be inhumanly strong

5  Suddenly appear out of nowhere and kiss you passionately

6. Have only eyes for you, even when he is surrounded by hot girls

7. Be jealous of your male friends

8. Kiss you in the middle of a fight

9. Not sleep at night, and stay by your side to protect you

10. Be willing to spend eternity by your side 

God, there is simply such an abundance of material that refers to the sociopathic tendencies that girls idolize. So, in reference to the prerequisites of being "inhumanly" attractive and strong, I kind of like the people I date to be of my species, and not some roid monkey hybrid, but perhaps that's just me. As for the wealthy statement, I think that does nothing to help the common stereotype that women are nothing more than gold diggers. When a guy gives you a lot of nice things or money, and then proceeds to bed you, that's prostitution ladies - not a budding relationship. When a guy opens the door for me, or pulls out my chair, I'm not going to object - but it's not something I'm going to expect. I have two hands, two legs, and a brain, I know how to use them thanks. Additionally, I think that if my boyfriend were to suddenly appear out of no where and kiss me passionately, I would probably mistake him for some drug crazed hobo trying to assault me, and consequently mace him. Unlike the idiots who wrote this list, I think it's stupid to expect your boyfriend not to look at other attractive women. If he has a penis, he is going to think with it occasionally - don't even try and pretend you were not mentally undressing the last good looking guy you saw. So, that is one thing that really pisses me off about girls, what really pisses me off about guys is when they get jealous of your male friends. If you are going home with them at the end of the night, they have nothing to worry about, so stop being an insecure little bitch. The following endearing trait must be the most asinine "solution" to solving a conflict. Crazy make up sex is one thing, but just making out in the middle of a fight is simply non sensical. Obviously, if I am pissed off at you for something, I'm not going to want you to stick your tongue down my throat. Another thing - I like having my own bed, so if I am going to have to share it with someone, they better make good use of it and sleep, rather than being a creepy stalker and spend the entire night watching me. For someone who has a bit of a commitment phobia, this one is a doozy: eternity is a long ass time, I'm not sure what I want for lunch, much less who I am going to spend the rest of all conceivable time with. 

So there you have it, in that massive paragraph I managed to rip these little girl's aspirations to shreds. If I haven't already, well sweetie, Edward doesn't exist. End of story. I think that guys need to be cut a lot more slack. Men, if your girlfriends have bought this book, steal it, burn it, shred it, do whatever you need to do to save yourself the hassle of being continuously compared to a fictional character, who in my opinion epitomizes a human doormat.

In response to this senseless list of features, I have compiled my own set of prerequisites: 

1. Must enjoy sarcastic humor (This extends to dirty jokes and inappropriate comments) 

2. Must not be clingy (It is fine if you want to hang out with the boys, and yes, I encourage you to check out your hot server's ass, I would be worried if you didn't)

3. Must not spend more time in front of the mirror than I do (If I wanted to date a girl, I would)

4. Must have a sense of adventure (Routine is the bane of my existence, you better be up for some crazy antics if you shack up with me)

5. Must have good taste in music, movies, and books (I will forgive you if you like Rocky, or have Madonna on your I Pod, but we've gotta have some interests in common)

6.  Must have aspirations in life (Having a threesome, drinking an entire 2-6, or winning a guided tour of the Playboy Mansion doesn't count)

7. Must not be insecure (It isn't in my job description to stroke your ego)

8. Must get along with my friends/I must like your buddies (I'm not saying we need to be BFF and wear friendship bracelets on our wrists, but let's be civil)

9. Must not be a sexual recluse (This I would hope is self explanatory) 

10. Must trust me (Without this, we aren't going to get very far)

Girls, give your boyfriends a break, chances are slim that you are going to come across a perfect sex god of a vampire, much less one who would not slash your jugular.

/End Rant