Sex has never been that big of a deal to me. That being said, it's not something I consider to be as casual as a handshake, but I really don't understand why people get so flustered when someone brings it up. Sex is everywhere. Hell, even breakfast cereals understand the concept that sex sells, so why is it that the room suddenly goes quiet when someone actually decides to have an frank conversation about it? I think people would have far more fulfilling sex lives if they actually took the time to think and talk about the following:
1. Sex and porn aren’t the same thing.
If you were to take porn at face value, then you would probably assume that all women scream or moan incessantly, praise the size of their partner's member approximately every three and a half minutes, or orgasm within seconds of what I think resembles sex with a jackhammer. Additionally, it may appear as though all guys simply walk around with an erection all day, have the stamina of a machine, or are hung like a horse. This isn't to say I'm anti-pornography, in reality it's quite the opposite. I think that porn can be a really healthy and satisfying part of someone's sex life, so long as they can appreciate that it is a completely false representation of what sex really is. In videos, you can say "cut," or it's possible to edit out anything that isn't camera-ready. A porn star throwing out their hip while trying a particularly difficult position, falling off the bed, or getting stuck in their fuzzy handcuffs are situations that are only going to be left on the cutting room floor. Porn does nothing for anyone's performance anxiety. Girls, you are not Jemma Jameson. Guys, you are not Ron Jeremy, no one expects you to be.
2. Porn doesn't have to be considered demeaning.
I'd consider myself to be a feminist in a lot of ways, but one thing that really gets me riled up is when women bitch about how porn humiliates our gender. First of all, pornography is a choice. People who participate in these videos are of legal age, and have signed a contract stating that they approve the release of the footage shot. Sex isn't always straight out of a romance novel, I’m sorry to break that to you. Like I said before, porn is a calculated concept, and showcases ideas of sexuality that perhaps would not be plausible outside of a studio. If people were truly honest about what they wanted out of sex, and what turned them on, I'm sure a lot of porn's content would be less shocking. If it isn't right for people to judge an individual's religion or other life style choices, who are you to say what it is ok for them to be turned on by? There is a time and a place for Barry White and bubble baths, as there is a time for button tearing sex on top of the kitchen counter.
3. While I am talented, I am not a mind reader.
There is nothing I hate more than when people complain about the fact that their partners aren't performing up to par. There is no reason as to why people should put up with lackluster sex, NONE. If you aren't happy with what you're receiving, then politely tell the person. However, unless teeth are involved in a situation in which they have no business being, there is no reason to be brutally honest. It’s kind of like when you train a puppy, you praise them when they do something right, but gently point out areas for improvement. Like they taught you in school, some people learn best from observation, others from being told. If you are sitting there going "Oh baby, oh baby," then they aren't going to be able to tell that you are counting down the seconds until the encounter is over, and you can do a better job yourself. Faking it benefits no one.
4. Fly solo.
If you have no clue what turns your crank, how the hell is your partner supposed to know? Masturbation is not solely reserved for the sex deprived, or social recluses. Anyone that tells you that they don’t masturbate is a liar, or is completely devoid of a sex drive. I even have science on my side, as it has been proven that people who regularly give themselves orgasms will more easily climax during sex. If that doesn’t give you the motivation you need, then you really need to get yourself to a sex shop, which brings me to my next subject…
5. Sex Toys
I personally think that sex shops have gotten a bad rep. In movies they are portrayed as seedy dimly lit establishments, whose clientele consists of under age boys, or men over the age of 40 who are desperate to get their rocks off. While I have been into some sex shops that have been less-than-pleasant, the majority of the time has been about as uncomfortable as going to the grocery store to buy a loaf of bread. If you convince yourself it’s going to be awkward, it probably will be, and you’ll just grab the first thing you see, rather than taking the time to look around and buy something you’re actually going to use. Like getting an MP3 player, or a new car, always do your research. There are a lot of shitty sex toys on the market, and you’re going to make sure the one you buy is going to get the job done, and safely while you’re at it. You don’t need to go out and get yourself a sex swing, or some crazy bondage gear. Start small, and then gradually increase your sex toy repertoire. If you’re partner isn’t used to using sex toys with you, probably whipping out an arsenal of vibrators is going to do anything but scare the living bejesus out of them. If I still haven’t convinced you that sex shops are nothing to be intimidated by, there always is the internet. Just make sure that it’s you who answers the door when the courier shows up.
6. Foreplay is your foundation.
Unless you are actually planning to have a wham-bam-thank-you-mam session, plan on devoting at least a half an hour to foreplay. Keep in mind that foreplay should be RECIPROCAL. One of my biggest pet peeves about foreplay is when people act like it’s a chore. I don’t think I could date someone who had this attitude. For most girls, foreplay is actually better than sex, so if a guy is getting lucky one night, he better be willing to pay his dues, and not complain about it. I’m not trying to be sexist, so in defense of the guys, I will say that ladies, if you are going to treat his junk like a pogo stick, don’t even bother. Do it well, or don’t do it at all.
7. Wrap it before you pack it.
There is no excuse as to why people refuse to wear condoms. I could spend days and days debunking common myths about their usage, but I’m going to save myself the time, and just say straight up, that if you don’t wear condoms during sex, then you are a fucking idiot. Condoms come in all shapes and sizes, so there is going to be a brand to suit anybody. No one is too big or too small to wear them, and with the new innovations that condom companies are developing, they can actually contribute to a night of better sex. Most people don’t carry lube around with them, like they would hand sanitizer, so keeping lubricated condoms on hand helps work around that. Probably one of the biggest reasons as to why girls don’t get off during sex is because there is a lack of lubrication, so do something about it! Additionally, you probably can’t fit a vibrator in the pocket of your purse, while you could carry a vibrating ring. Most condom companies have developed some sort of attachment that you slip over the condom, presumably to increase the stimulation for the girl. Let’s face it, guys are pretty much guaranteed to finish, while girls take a lot more effort. Everyone appreciates a little bit of consideration, especially when it comes to not knocking them up, or giving them the gift that keeps on giving.
8. Yes, your penis is large enough.
Unless you have some seriously skewed anatomical proportions, chances are that your penis size is just fine. This is another disservice that porn has done for the general population, men just simply aren’t built like tri-pods (at least most of them). The average size for a guy is somewhere within the ball park of 5.5 inches, give or take a bit. Before you go grab your measuring tape, however, length really doesn’t have to do with much, other than your ego. Width is actually the crucial factor, when it comes to how well a guy can satisfy a woman with penetration alone. That being said, just because you hit the genetic jackpot doesn’t mean you are home free. A very small percentage of women can actually orgasm this way, and this is coupled with the fact that most guys are idiots when it comes to finding a chick’s g-spot. Chances are boys, you’re going to have to use your hands, mouth, or whatever else you have at your disposal.
9. Sex is not like riding a bike.
So, once you have the basic ropes of sex figured out, that doesn’t mean that you stop picking up new tricks. Sex can quickly begin to resemble a series of Friends re-runs if you aren’t careful. Predictability is one of the banes of my existence, so I think it’s especially important to read about, talk about, or think about sex on a fairly frequent basis. Try new positions, locations, or toys. Keep the person you are shacking up with on their toes.
10. Don’t take yourself so seriously.
Sex is supposed to be fun. If you are going to spend the entire time worrying about how you look naked, if they like your technique, or if and when you are going to orgasm, it will ruin the entire experience. Don’t get so worked up about it, go with the flow, and enjoy what is probably one of the best things in the world, aside from Jude Law, good music, or liquor.
